I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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