1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
BRING THE BAGELS
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
