all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
