wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
