is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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