I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
