i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
should my penis look like a turkey
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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