maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
