I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
