My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
