Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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