Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
