...so i touched it.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
