I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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