Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
