can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
