Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
