Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
