I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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