apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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