So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
