i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
