I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
