thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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