discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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