Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
