onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
