thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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