I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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