is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
