He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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