The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
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