I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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