So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
