Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
