This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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