you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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