Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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