Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
