I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
