If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
