Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
