I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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