whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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