So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
