11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
