somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Randomize
