By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
