i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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