9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
